Reading

I realized recently that I generally dislike reading, and that came as a surprise to me. I loved to read when I was younger. But after doing a lot more of it this week for school, I know it to be true.

Reading makes me lonely. Especially in an academic context. When I'm doing physics and math, I can work through problems with others, bounce ideas off them, discuss concepts with them. When you're reading, that comforting presence of another struggling with exactly what you're struggling with is not a luxury you can afford. Their very presence in fact distracts from your goal, rather than facilitating you reaching it. Sure, you can discuss concepts from the book afterwards with others, but that process of initial reading and absorbing is inherently a solitary task.

I think that's why I dislike reading. It reminds me how alone I am.

Wooster homecoming

So far 4 people have gone out of their way to ask me when I'm coming back to campus.

Ego boost. People care.

Regression

In thinking/talking about Aaron today, I unconsciously replaced the proper noun of his name with "my love" instead.

I haven't done that in months.

Maybe I'm back to square one.

Wisdom from Percocet

I have compiled a list of things I said while higher than I've ever been off Percocet after my knee surgery.

First off, I come to after surgery to a missed MMS from Cooper which was weird. But it turned out to be this picture I kept asking for of the group at Casa Bonita, to which I responded "Wow we are beautiful people."

Duncan

• Every time I laugh I start to cry. I want a freeze pop.
• I'm a high nigga and I want a freeze pop!
• I will kiss your face. Cheek. That's on your face. Every one of you [I was saying how I missed all my friends]. And you will enjoy it!

Josh

• My head feels like it's going to float off. If I move it from side to side then it won't come off but I look like a mental patient dancing to a song only I can hear and the dog is judging me
• My dad just asked how I was and I laughed and then he laughed and that made me cry. I'm high
• My stomach just made a noise like it was talking hahaha. It's saying "I don't want to eat these motherfucking saltines anymore but everyone is gone so I can't get more food"
• My head is squishing in. WHAT IF I CAN'T PHYSICS, WHO WOULD I BE THEN
• I think I'm squinting
• My head keeps falling, why is it always your head that gets fucked up. This is why you don't do drugs, kids
• She [Kim] just doesn't understand the drug counterculture, yo. She hasn't found her spirit animal
• omg always put cheese in your mashed potatoes you won't regret it
• I'm sleepy but I can't sleep because my head can't stop moving
• I want a spirit animal... it's probably something fucking lame like a duck or a protest

Mom

• Kim is so mean you should put her in mean kids camp

Michael

• [after he asked me how much pain there was] Minimal, just a little bit. heh hej heh that meant the same things

Brad and Chris

• GIVE THIS LIL NIGGA A FREEZE POP

Don't Wait

While driving around with Josh in his car, a song by Hit the Lights came up on a mixtape. I listened to them in high school and went on to completely forget about the band, but that song instantly took me back to that time. I still knew most of the words. When we got back to our rooms, I listened to that album from my past. One of the songs, Don't Wait, left my heart pounding out of my chest because the lyrics were too accurate about my feelings towards him and our inevitable leaving Colorado. There are a lot of little nuances that maybe only he and I understand, but that just adds to the personalization of the song and why it hit me so hard that it described everything.

Don't Wait

There were ocean waves, big city lights,
lazy summer days, crazy sleepless nights.
Somewhere out on an open road,
you drove yourself out of your mind
Sometimes to do the things you love, 
you leave the ones you love behind.

You danced, you drank, you laughed, you cried,
you went to work and said goodbye
I lived, I learned, stayed up all night,
I'll see you when the time is right again

I've got old shoes in a brand new town
I wear'em like they're starin' let the tongues hang out.
I'm just too loose for the same old crowd
If I could only see your face before my souls wear down
Somewhere out on an open road, you search until you look inside
Sometimes you've got to see the world to find you what you left behind

You danced, you drank, you laughed, you cried,
you went to work and said goodbye
I lived, I learned, stayed up all night,
I'll see you when the time is right again

Wait for me, don't wait, don't wait for me
you can't wait for the sun to rise, you'll never know until you try
we make mistakes and learn in time, we all grow old, we live, we die
we woke before the sun could rise, we packed our bags and waved goodbye
we drove into a great sunset and lived a life with no regret 
I can't wait for the sun to rise, I'll never know until I try
We make mistakes and learn through time, we all grow old,
we live, we die, we live

Music

In high school, music was everything to me. It was the place I could always turn to when I needed support or help. I truly believed that a band, specifically just one of their songs, saved me from turning to self harm more times than I can count. One of my proudest features was my taste in music.

Somehow during my college experience, I lost that love. I think I turned to Aaron when I used to turn to music. The tipping point for me was when that idolized band from high school released a new album last year. I didn't like it. It got to the point where I didn't even know what kind of music I liked anymore, and this was a huge identity crisis. I actively identified myself by my favorite bands in the past, and now I felt confused and lost.

I've slowly been building this musical confidence back, and expanding my taste in music too. I'm realizing that it never was unimportant to me. There are countless songs that trigger emotional responses for me and serve as bookmarks to a certain era of my life. I think its purpose just changed for me. But now with Aaron gone, it's changing again.

This was made startlingly prevalent when I listened to Panic! At the Disco's newest song. They're releasing a new album soon and uncovered one song a month or so ago. Again, I didn't like it. They're sort of a special case because their style changes so regularly that I tried to not think anything of it, but deep down I was scared again. I was confused about who I was because I didn't like this song. They just released another song though, This Is Gospel. Something about the way the sound was mixed and the concept of the video and just the familiarity of Brendon Urie's voice felt so curious yet safe. Like home. I don't remember feeling that way about a song since I listened to that one I mentioned in the beginning of this post from high school. It's also curious because this was all upon my first time hearing it. Somehow, I instantly built this emotional connection with this song. Maybe it's a combination of desperately searching for something to latch on to after I left Colorado and all my amazing friends there and looking for myself yet again in music and the relief that I liked this one so the album is promising. I don't know. What I do know is that this will probably be one of those songs played on repeat for a while. I'm so glad to have these three minutes and eleven seconds where I can just melt into the music.

That's what I miss most about it. I could close my eyes and just listen to the emotion in music for hours and be in bliss without getting bored or restless or thinking it was all bullshit. I want that back.

A New Beginning

There are a lot of reasons I loved blogging, and only one that made me abandon my old blog.

I've realized that the ability to speak my mind under a veil of some sort of secrecy actually helped me a lot. It's much more advantageous for me to work out problems and talk through situations in this manner than just keep it holed up in my head. That's how I tried for years, and nothing good came out of it. So I plan on keeping up with this. It may not be as exciting as my summer was, but it will be as telling about myself.

Tisiphone is one of the mythical Greek erinyes, or Roman furies. She is an "infernal goddess" born of the night. Her name means "avenging murder" and she represents, similarly, "vengeful destruction". My vengeful destruction is a constant presence and aimed inwards.  She doesn't sleep. But then again, neither do I.