Music

In high school, music was everything to me. It was the place I could always turn to when I needed support or help. I truly believed that a band, specifically just one of their songs, saved me from turning to self harm more times than I can count. One of my proudest features was my taste in music.

Somehow during my college experience, I lost that love. I think I turned to Aaron when I used to turn to music. The tipping point for me was when that idolized band from high school released a new album last year. I didn't like it. It got to the point where I didn't even know what kind of music I liked anymore, and this was a huge identity crisis. I actively identified myself by my favorite bands in the past, and now I felt confused and lost.

I've slowly been building this musical confidence back, and expanding my taste in music too. I'm realizing that it never was unimportant to me. There are countless songs that trigger emotional responses for me and serve as bookmarks to a certain era of my life. I think its purpose just changed for me. But now with Aaron gone, it's changing again.

This was made startlingly prevalent when I listened to Panic! At the Disco's newest song. They're releasing a new album soon and uncovered one song a month or so ago. Again, I didn't like it. They're sort of a special case because their style changes so regularly that I tried to not think anything of it, but deep down I was scared again. I was confused about who I was because I didn't like this song. They just released another song though, This Is Gospel. Something about the way the sound was mixed and the concept of the video and just the familiarity of Brendon Urie's voice felt so curious yet safe. Like home. I don't remember feeling that way about a song since I listened to that one I mentioned in the beginning of this post from high school. It's also curious because this was all upon my first time hearing it. Somehow, I instantly built this emotional connection with this song. Maybe it's a combination of desperately searching for something to latch on to after I left Colorado and all my amazing friends there and looking for myself yet again in music and the relief that I liked this one so the album is promising. I don't know. What I do know is that this will probably be one of those songs played on repeat for a while. I'm so glad to have these three minutes and eleven seconds where I can just melt into the music.

That's what I miss most about it. I could close my eyes and just listen to the emotion in music for hours and be in bliss without getting bored or restless or thinking it was all bullshit. I want that back.